Choose Your Baby!

There’s a baby with a tattoo of a doorknob on its belly. There’s a baby with a tattoo of a trilobite on its foot. There’s a baby with a tattoo of a wristwatch on its wrist. There’s a baby with a tattoo of the baby with a tattoo of a doorknob on its belly on its back. There’s a baby tattooed from head to toe with the first four chapters of Moby Dick. There’s a baby that’s not even a baby. He just looks like a baby. A baby who’s programmed to stumble around your neighborhood affixing UPC codes onto all the trees and dogs and cats and other living things while humming “The Great Gig in the Sky.” Every midnight he’ll play ding-dong ditch. Eventually, a sleepless neighbor with a baby of his own will shoot your baby in the face. But don’t worry. Your baby was not even a baby. He just looked like a baby. So please: choose your baby. Shipping is free.

Edwin, 19, of Sarasota writes:

"Generally pleased with product, though I would have preferred a later, more introspective section of Moby Dick be tattooed on my baby’s back. The typos are somewhat cheapening."

Tiffany, 53, of San Francisco writes:

"I hear a new model is coming out soon. The tattooed clock on the baby’s wrist will be right three times a day."

Gordon, 12, of Annapolis writes:

"I think my baby is broke ‘cause this baby is DEFINITELY a baby."