UNIT 3:   Dealing With Difficult Situations

                       EMBARRASSMENT

Embarrassment = discomfort caused by public violation of an accepted rule 
which is part of the actor's repertoire

 * 3 Components *

     1. emotional arousal  - you'll feel heat

     2. sense of exposure & conspicuousness - you aren't embarassed 
if no one sees it, or if you think no one sees it

     3. feeling of deficiency, feeling that you have failed in some way
                perceived negative evaluation

A. Situational Causes of embarrassment

     1. identity management - you don't know someone you should, you 
allow other roles to intrude on the one you want to project

     2. loss of poise - loss of self control, lack of competence, 
equipment fails, clothes problems, loss of body control 

     3. over reward -  too much praise or public acclaim

     4. breaches of privacy - acts which you though were private turn 
public

     5. faux pas - acts that are intentionally performed but which prove 
later to be inappropriate to the situation


B. Private Embarrassment = embarassment when alone because you 
imagine how others would respond if they had witnessed what you did  


C. Empathic embarrassment = We can feel embarrassed by watching others in predicaments - 


D.    Children don't get embarrassed till they reach a certain age.  The age 
when they can imagine how others are viewing them (public self-consciousness) approximately 4-5

         embarrassing incidents may peak at about age 11 - 15


E.  Behavioral Effects of embarrassment - how do we act when embarrassed?

     1) Nonverbal behaviors accompanying embarrassment

        - smiling, blushing, head ducking, lack of eye contact


    Blushing = spontaneous reddening or darkening of the face, ears, neck, 
& upper chest that occus in response to perceived social scrutiny or 
evaluation

          *  People typically avert gaze & smile when blushing or 
embarrassed 

            - in authentic, nonembarrassed smiling, the smile comes 
               slightly before the gaze aversion
          - in embarassment the eyes are averted first, then smile comes 
               after- 

     2) Public behaviors - effects

       a. subjects either did embarrassing task (sucking on rubber pacifier) 
or not (holding onto toy)  - embarrassed subjects accepted less money for 
task, pay-off for privacy - especially with a non-sympathetic audience

       b. more embarrassed women were when going to dr. for 
contraceptive, the less likely they were to actually use it

       c. men less likely to help pick up box of tampons than other kinds of 
boxes

           COPING WITH EMBARRASSING SITUATIONS

Categories of coping with embarrassment

1. Apologize -   statements of regret & requests for pardon

2. Justification - acknowledge the act, but externalize your responsibility in it   "not 
my fault" 

3. Minimization -  acknowledge responsibility for the act, but minimize the 
negativity of it - "it's not that bad"  

4. Humor - Laughing, making a joke of it.  

5. Remediation -  Active attempts to repair or fix the damage.  

6. Escape - Physically retreating from the scene. 

7. Avoidance -  Try to ignore that the event occurred.  

8.  Aggression  -  Physically or verbally attacking another person such that 
embarrassment appears to be justified anger. 


The particular strategy you use may depend upon the type of embarrassing 
situation.

     a. excuses used more in mistake situations
     b. avoidance used more regularly overall
     c. justification used more in faux pas
     d. humor & remediation used more in accidents



                             GUILT

Why emotions important in communication: social interactions elicit emotions, and then the emotional response often 
guides behavior

A. Guilt defined:  feelings of self-reproach due to feeling responsible 
for some negative outcome

1. We tend to feel guilty when: 

     a) we were responsible for negative consequences 

     b) lying, stealing, cheating, disloyalty is attributable to our internal 
motivations & was under our control

     c) we fail at something because we didn't try hard enough  

     d) we feel over-rewarded, especially compared to others 


        "inequity"  we get more rewards (or less punishment) than someone else    

     e) failure to meet commitments (don't pay back money we owe on time)

* Tend to feel more guilt in close relationships than in impersonal 
interactions.


2. How we get others to feel guilty (and then do what we want them to do) 
     a) state role obligation  "a professional would do this"

     b) state relational obligation  "you're my daughter/son"

     c) state rule violation  

     d) deception recognition

     e) debt
     f) describe inequity
     g) sacrifice

3. Why do we want to make someone feel guilty?

     a) PERSUASION   biggest reason simply to get them to do what we 
want them to, compliance

     b) dominance/power   - we want to have power & control of situation or 
person  

     c) aggression - to hurt someone & make us feel better

     d) insecurity - to cover up your own inadequacies


4. Guilt used much more in close relationships than in acquaintances


5. Great deal of reciprocity of guilt in relationships.  

     a) People who invoke guilt often also report that their partner does 
too, but people who don't use guilt report that their partner doesn't either.

6. Who is more likely to use guilt as a strategy?

     Machievellian people, socially nonassertive and shy people, those who are not strongly 
motivated by a need for social approval, verbally aggressive people or 
people who are high on trait anger


7. Who is more likely to be influenced by guilt induction?

     Shy people, those with low self esteem, nonassertive people, people high on emotional empathy, 
people who tend to be passive-aggressive 


                           APOLOGIZING

1. Saying "I'm sorry" is good for business

     a. 800 number users reported more product loyalty & positive 
attitudes toward the company if telephone operator apologized for problem 
with product

2. Courteous nonverbal cues are good for business. 


     Recent study on clerks in grocery stores.


3. Apologizing is good for relationships - as long as you mean it & don't 
over-use it

     a. even if caught in relational infidelity, the best way to save the 
relationship is to apologize

4. Apologizing admits the responsibilty for the problem, 

     - doesn't deny the responsibility or put it on external forces

5. Apologizing, being courteous, & thank-yous are "cheap" ways to do a lot 
of good in an interaction




                                LONELINESS

Definition: LONELINESS = when a person's network of relationships is smaller or less 
satisfactory than desired.

  1. CHRONIC VS. TRANSITORY

    a. TRANSITORY = loneliness that doesn't last long; usually an event which sets it off


    b. CHRONIC more of a problem:  becomes personality trait since it goes on for so 
long, becomes pattern of life

 2.  Characteristics of Chronically lonely people

  a. highest rates among adolescents (12 - 15)

  b. lower self esteem lonelier

  c. external locus of control

  d. not as communication competent; not as socially skilled  

  e. lack of "partner attention" in communication

     -  fewer partner references - quite self-focused

     -  asked fewer questions of the partner 

  f. more global negativity & negative ratings of their own communication

 3. Negative Effects of Chronic Loneliness
    
        - higher rates of suicide, substance abuse, medical problems
        - more likely to drop out of school

Solutions:

     a. keep busy - activity rather than cognitive rumination (pouting & self pity)

     b. help rebuild friend network  (don't become their only friend)

     c. teach communication skills  

          1) develop other orientation
          2) learn how to "be a friend"
          3) effective listening

          4) positivity