RELATIONAL CONFLICT MANAGEMENT

** Assumption #1:  This is conflict with someone you care about. 

** Assumption #2:  You want to maintain your relationship with 
this person.

** Assumption #3:  All conflicts will not be able to be "resolved"

     1. Definition/description:  Interpersonal Conflict = when 
the actions/behaviors of one person interfere with or create 
barriers for another.  (either perceived or real)

     4 Major Sources of Conflict:   

          Conflict over different goals.
          Conflict over differing ways of achieving goals.
          Conflict over different interpersonal needs.
          Conflict over expectations of behavior.


     2. Attitudes and orientations affect how you communicate
                      "This is not a game!"

     3. Communication patterns which make conflict worse   (pg. 
177-178)

        a. why are these negative?

        b. Belt-lining:  Verbally hitting someone below their 
emotional beltline.  Using things that will intentionally hurt 
them - so you win the fight.

        c. Name-calling
        d. Trivial-tyrannizing
        e. Hit-&-run
        f. Uproar:  create a big fight over a little issue.  
        g. Gunny-sacking
        h. The "silent treatment"
        i. Subject-switching

4.  Patterns that improve confict management  (pg. 178)

        * First, agree that both of you will TRY to follow the 
"rules for fair fighting".

        a. Timing
        b. Stay in the here-&-now
        c. Emotionality
        d. Slow down the pace
        e. Lower the emotional belt-lines
        f. Monitor nonverbal communication: both yours & theirs
        g. Describe behaviors rather than evaluate
        h. Perception check. Don't assume you know what the other   27 2 
Š





is thinking or feeling

        i. Communicate about conflict regularly, and then move on 
to something else (hopefully more positive) in your relationship

     ** Interpersonal conflict is not a "game".  The process is 
costly to the relationship even if you manage it well.  (That is, 
it's not rewarding in itself. It's not fun.)