TO: Professor Brady
FROM: Ryan Dempsey
SUBJECT: Revision and Editing Assignment
In the text that you asked me to revise and edit, I tried to clarify the main points from the original message. I analyzed the audience for the text to decide which details would help them understand the situation. In a couple spots, I made up details that I thought the readers needed. Also, I excluded some details in the original text to improve readability and reduce frustration. (It was frustrating reading that original.) In fact, I left much of the original message out and just rewrote the whole thing. I condensed and often reorganized many of the original sentences when I did decide to keep them.
A more detailed explanation of each editing process follows.
I used a memo format because it's written to people within an organization. Other global revision mostly involved deleting and reorganizing. The audience doesn't need to know who is taking the two consultants to lunch. The message is organized into four main sections. The first is an introduction that explains the need for new employees. The next two paragraphs describe who the new employees are and what they will be doing for the company. I made a judgment call here by giving background information on the two consultants. It isn't absolutely necessary, but I feel it might help readers see the new people more as people and less like change. Hopefully, the company's current employees will receive them better. The last sentence continues to build a welcoming atmosphere.
Fine-tuning revisions consisted mainly of correcting the sexist language present throughout the original message. The office manager called the current female employees by their first names, but referred to each male as "Mr." I have given "Peggy" and "Ellen" last names and I refer to everyone by first and last name. In the original, more emphasis was given to the male employee's "high" qualifications. I got rid of the abstract term "high" and presented the two sets of qualifications in the same way for each.
In addition to correcting sexism, I corrected spelling and cut excess
or repetitive words. The original writer used passive voice in every
sentence except the last. I used active voice wherever I could.